Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Re: Bulling boots.  Thank god for our Boot Boys!!!!

1. Cover entire surface of new boots with Kiwi Parade Gloss (and to all the old sweats, mine have NEVER gone blue when it rains!)

2. Heat the smooth rounded end of a spoon to red hot and use it to "iron" down any stipples and lumps. Move quickly and ensure there's plenty of polish between the spoon and the leather or you'll ruin the boots. This action also pushes the polish into the leather to keep them watertight. Get it just right and you'll have black socks forever!

3. Apply a generous coat of polish with a "putting-on" brush and keep brushing until you get a dull shine.

4. Use your "taking off" brush (the softer one) until you get a civvie shine.

5. Wrap a yellow duster around a finger (just one thickness of duster) and dip it into warm polish (a new tin - not the one you used for brushing). Make circular motions in the polish until it has warmed up further and soaked into the duster. You will end up with a black finger, but that's part of the game.

6. Transfer the polish onto one boot using circular motions until the entire boot is covered.

7. Do the same with the other boot. From here on, whatever you do to one boot, you do to the other to the same degree before going on to the next instruction or repeating an action. If you don't, you'll end up with odd boots!

8. Spit on a small area of the polished boot and, without moving your finger from it's position in the duster, polish the boot with wide circular motions. The spit reacts with the polish to bond the layers together. (Old sweats - wait until I've finished before you criticise). Keep spitting on different parts of the boot until all areas have been covered. Work quickly during the spit phase.

9. Repeat from 6 to 8 many times until a lustre starts to develop.

10. Now move your finger to a different part of the duster, pick up a small amount of polish and work it over as large an area as possible, the aim being to apply a very thin coat. Keep doing this until the whole boot is covered.

11. Using very cold water, buff the polish using light circular movements. Keep buffing until the polish starts to shine. On a hot day, do this bit with the boot in a fridge or freezer or you'll be there all day. Otherwise do it under cold running water, but then you'll have a sink to clean and polish isn't easy to remove from porcelain!

12. Repeat 10 and 11 until you're quite impressed with the shine that develops.

13. Repeat 10 but with a linen handkerchief, making sure that there are no creases in the cloth under your finger.

14. Repeat 11 but with a linen handkerchief and NO water. Be very gentle.

15. Get the wife's best newest tights, or the girlfriend's stockings or your best mate's wife's tights and twist them into a tight ball, finishing with a smooth layer, no wrinkles. Very, very gently, use circular movements to finish the boots to a high gloss.

16. Try to get polish off finger. Vim, swarfega and fairy liquid help but there's no substitute for a new white towel.

It seems like a lot of effort (and it is) but you can trog across the moors, soak them, scrape them to buggery and once they're dry, they will polish back up within a few minutes. (Okay - it may take up to half an hour).

On the other hand, for a quick bodge you can pile tons of polish on the boots, pour petrol lighter fluid on them and ignite. Extinguish quickly by blowing, allow to cool, then do action 15. Walk very stiffly to parade as the polish will crack easily.

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